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To Silenth: Since you zeroed in on me directly in your blog entry, I thought it proper that I talk with you in my own entry.
Yes, Glenn, I must say, I always imagined myself to be “the one with the Ph.D”. I loyally nurtured this idea for so long, but I was not able to plant seeds on proper soil, that right now I can’t help feeling being stuck in a dead end. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang nagulat. My mom, my dad, my brother, you guys… especially me.
I had been in distress since before MS graduation last April. I don’t know if anyone took notice of it, though I did give some of you chances to do so. I usually keep my calls-for-help on the down-low. I think I sent signals to Noemi once or twice. I’m pretty sure Ajay knew about them all the while, maski na recently lang naman din napag-usapan. I thought I could swallow the idea of just continuing the Ph.D program here in Diliman, but I don’t see a future with me in it. I’m not one to speak negatively about the Department, and I’d rather not elaborate for virtue of respect for most people here I have high regard for. Long story short, I don’t see myself growing here anymore.
The gods of fortune are kind to allow me to try my hand somewhere else. It’s funny how things work out when you least expect it. I thought I’d be stuck in a rut for at least ’til next year.
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Quoting silenth’s thoughts
…do you think that there is a point of no return in our lives, where the doors of opportunity begin to close slowly (or suddenly?) such that whatever you’ve been doing up to that point is the one that would define you for the rest of your life?
Your thoughts scare me… they really do. To actually think that this could happen to me scares me to the very core. I even had a mental image of a heavy wooden door creaking ear-wreakingly slow and finally slamming to a close.
It scares us, or plainly me, I guess, because of the uncertainty to move forward. To embrace what you have and have no regrets on what you are “giving up” on. To face the reality of change. Can anyone say without blinking that they have “absolutely no regrets”? That would be humanity sans ambition. Add to that the “what-ifs” in life. Ohhh those are a pill to handle. This is especially hard to deal with when you start thinking early in life of all the possibilites in the world… wanting to do everything, accomplish everything, save the world and save the elephants. The dream of Superman.
Another thing, look at how history works…. We catalog dead people in terms of what they did for a living slash(/) what they accomplished in life. Rarely does anyone get credit for every little thing they do in life. Almost no one is remembered as the one who “almost qualified as” a Harvard freshman, who “barely finished an MS degree”, who “thought about switching careers but wasn’t brave enough”, …
What you have done for the most part for a living seems to be who you are! Oh the cruelty of mankind.
… a person’s work defines that person …
It’s generally an unfair thing to say. To state the obvious, what about those who sweep corridors, mop dirty bathroom tiles and scoop garbage from the streets for a living? How does that statement apply to them? What if they make decent money and upkeep a decent household?
Since we are basically a judgmental species, the superficial mind would quietly define a person on what sort of job he has. It’s a sad reality, and I should think all of us are guilty with it. Makes me feel very sorry for most politicians and some lawyers.
It’s no crime to love what you are doing, and to think of yourself as a person who is put into the world to do what you do. But I think what we do for a living should not define us. I wish it was as simple as where our passions lie. What is it you crazily care for? What is it, with no second thought, that you would die for? What belief would you fight to the end for?
I would want to define myself on where love surrounds me. It’s so cliche. But I don’t care. I wish you guys won’t either. 
